Q & A: Ministry Burnout

by Tracy Moore

Question: What exactly is “ministry burnout” and how can we avoid it?

Answer:

One of my fears as a young ministry wife was that I would not be able to “handle” everything God put on my plate. My husband had his own full plate during seminary, and truth be told, he just got a bigger plate after he graduated! While preparing for, and living out a life of ministry we hear about “ministry burnout.” We read statistics of people who walk away from churches after only 3-5 years. We hear of men who are career pastors who lose their perspective and walk away from their pulpits, and sometimes their families. More frequently, we see pastors and their wives who have moved beyond tired and are now truly weary. The good news is that God really has given us everything we need pertaining to life and godliness. You can be assured, ministry wife, that if our Lord has called your husband to this life He has called you as well, and what He calls us to He equips us for! In our years of ministry we have observed and experienced weariness on different levels, and have known God’s great and sustaining grace.

Galatians 6:9 “And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.” In our experience, ministry burnout is the next step past weariness. Sometimes we grow weary from fatigue or discouragement. Sometimes it is resentment over time constraints or financial issues, or just people. Sometimes it is the sad result of our “Christianity” becoming an academic exercise and lists of do’s and don’ts rather than the joyful pursuit of loving and glorifying our Savior. In our humanness, there will always be the temptation to grow weary. What happens when weariness becomes burnout?

Burnout is ugly, especially for us ladies. Men will often become ineffective, or worse, walk away disillusioned with life in ministry. In my experience, women don’t do that. Women who are burned out, who do not respond to weariness in a biblical way, cause different damage. She will begin by doing things that are “the little foxes that spoil the vines” such as withdrawing, complaining, neglecting people and responsibilities, and having a resentful attitude about anything her husband does that takes him away from the family. She lets herself think God asks too much. If she does not turn around at this point and rely on His grace it may get worse. She may completely withdraw in self pity or she may lash out. This is a woman who will assume the worst about people and their motives, who accuses and slanders. She can even influence her husband to think poorly of people. She may be harsh or neglectful with her family. She has come to the conclusion that if it were not for ministry life she would have an easier time or nicer things or more help at home, and she feels very sorry for herself about how hard things are. She ceases to be her pastor husband’s cheerleader and helper and forces him to cater to her fragile, bitter state. Don’t let it happen to you. Be encouraged, grace abounds! “God is the strength of my life and my portion forever.” Ps. 73:26.

So, since none of us wants to be crazy or mean, how do we avoid that kind of burnout? Like all sanctification, it begins with the heart. Find the great joy to be had in ministry life! Some biblical antidotes to the weariness that leads to burnout are: rest, gratitude, serving others, cultivating perseverance, and viewing it all as an act of worship. Be disciplined in the simple basics of getting rest, caring for your body, and being faithful in your devotions. Being purposely grateful and deliberately content for what He has provided will keep your heart humble and desirous to serve. If you feel yourself losing your perspective, make a Thankfulness List and then go reach out to someone.

Ponder what a privilege it is to be given the opportunity to share your life, to share the hope of redemption, and to exemplify grace in all the ways a ministry family can for Christ! All in one week you might feed 20 people before Bible study, work in children’s ministry, counsel someone, open your home, and show hospitality to your community at your church. Plus, you will have loved, fed, and encouraged the man who will be used of God to shepherd many souls…all before the watchful eyes and hearts of your children. What a blessing!

With people, just persevere. Easier said than done, I know. In our house we remind each other that “it’s never over.” We have had times when a result looked bleak, and years later there is an amazing outcome. It is tempting to be discouraged if you don’t see “success” or the fruit of your labor in a timely way. He is faithful, He asks for faithfulness, and He decides the results.

Lastly, remember it is all for worship. He is worthy of all the sacrifice we can offer. “For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things, to whom be glory forever. Amen.” Rm. 11:36. This IS the abundant life! Enjoy!

Tracy is married to Joel Moore, pastor of Crown Valley Community Church in Acton, California.

A Helpful Resource: Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands

by Myra Shealy
Over the past year, my Bible study ladies and I read Paul David Tripp's book Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands. It was one of the best books I have read in a long time about discipleship and ministry, and solidified and expanded my understanding of how God intends to use sinners (in need of change) in the lives of other sinners (also needing change).

At the end of Chapter 14, Tripp sums up the gist of the whole book and articulates the simplicity, yet grandeur of personal ministry in the following couple of paragraphs:

"Two things always come to my mind as I finish teaching this material. First, I am hit with the utter simplicity of biblical personal ministry. It is not a secret technology for the intervention elite, but a simple call to every one of God's children to be part of what God is doing in the lives of others. It is living in humble, honest, redemptive community with others, loving as Christ has loved, and going beyond the casual to really know people. It is loving others enough to speak the truth to them, helping them to see themselves in the mirror of God's Word. And it is standing with others, helping them to do what God has called them to do. It is basically just a call to biblical friendship! It is almost embarrassingly simple: Love people. Know them. Speak truth into their lives. Help them do what God has called them to do.

At the same time, there is a grandeur to personal ministry that cannot be captured with words. God is painting his grace on the canvas of human souls. One day we will stand with him in Glory and see that canvas completed, and we won't be able to do anything but worship. What is our part in all of this? We are God's brushes. He wants to soak us on the palette of his grace and paint more of his goodness on yet another soul. The question is, "Are we soft brushes in his hands?" A hard, dried-out brush doesn't pick up the paint well and mars the surface it was meant to beautify. I hope this book will help you become a soft brush in the hands of a Redeemer who will continue to paint until his canvas is complete."

Tripp's hope, expressed in that last sentence, is my prayer as I set out to apply the principles outlined in this helpful book.

Five Lessons I Learned as a Seminary Wife

Greetings! My name is Rosita Haight, and I am married to Nick Haight, a 2011 graduate of The Cornerstone Seminary. He entered seminary 7 years ago, in 2004. We have 6 children, ages 15 years down to 15 months. In 2006, Nick was sent out by Community Bible Church in Vallejo to plant The Cornerstone Bible Church in Sacramento. We will be celebrating our 5th year church anniversary in September. God is faithful!
What I have to share is a testimony of what God has done.
*****
Five Lessons I Learned as a Seminary Wife
by Rosita Haight

1. Pray First
I learned that I needed to pray first so that God could counsel me before I went to my husband. I found that when I poured out my heart to God and heard my own (often) pitiful prayers, I was convicted over just how weak I was and how my requests were (often) so petty. As I learned to pray first, God would align my will with His, sober me, get my focus off myself, and quiet my anxious heart. Out of those times in prayer would arise the real needs that I could take to my busy husband with the assurance that these were the main things I needed his help with. Psalm 62:8 begins, “Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.” Before talking to your busy husband about your needs, talk first to your heavenly Father so he can help you see what your true needs are.

2. Live According to Life’s Season
Seasons force you to change and do things differently. When it is winter, you put on a coat to go play in the snow. When summer comes, you put on a swimsuit and go to the pool. I have choices to make with each season, and if I’m wise I’ll make the choices that take the most advantage of the new season. If I choose otherwise, I can miss out on some enjoyable things. The same is true for both life in general and life in seminary. There were certain seasons where I had to think soberly (usually during finals) and other seasons when I had to make the best of things on my own (like when my husband was trying to learn Greek or Hebrew). I certainly wasted a few seasons, too, sad that I didn’t have my husband to myself or upset that I wasn’t getting all I thought I needed or worrying about whether the children were happy. As each new season came (a new baby, moving to Sacramento, starting the church, another baby), God helped me adjust and find joy in the change. Paul instructs us in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 to “Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.” It may take some time, but God is faithful and will show you how to embrace the changes He brings and live according to the season He has allowed.

3. My Support is Crucial
With seminary requirements on top of family needs, work expectations, and ministry demands, my husband would feel emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained. He would often feel like he barely had enough time to catch his breath after being tumbled by one wave before the next wave comes crashing down on him. I learned that by my gentle and calm voice, a reassuring look, or a note of support and encouragement I could speak volumes to his heart and mind. It may have been difficult for me, too, but I saw how much my husband needed me. Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” During those times when your husband feels overwhelmed, you need to see how crucial your support is for your husband.

4. Perspective is Everything
Is seminary a blessing or a curse? Believe me, I have felt both. How you answer that question is a matter of perspective. I learned that in life, and most certainly in seminary, perspective is everything. Seminary is just one of the many difficult challenges I will face with my husband. It took some time, but God eventually taught me that He had a greater purpose for me than just surviving seminary. He did this by changing my perspective. Yes, my husband was distracted, busy, overwhelmed and often away, but he was also being trained up and equipped for the work of ministry. He was preparing to plant and pastor a church. This is a great work that God is doing and I not only have a front row seat but a part in the play! I needed to learn that having a husband in seminary is a joy to take part in, not a burden to bear. David said in Psalm 31:14-15, “But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD, I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hand.” Ask God to teach you that the difference between seeing seminary as a burden or a blessing is often a matter of your perspective. Perspective is everything.

5. Christ Really is All I Need
Even though I knew that Christ was all I needed, I still needed to learn that Christ really was all I needed. What I believed in my head needed to make the difference in my heart. From the time we got married, my husband and I enjoyed doing everything together. Seminary, however, meant being apart and taking on a number of things by myself (planning our son’s first birthday party, attending family functions, running various errands). Through all this, God began to show me that I really can be fully satisfied with Him. I really can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. His grace really is sufficient for whatever He allows. Yes, it took time, but I believe I learned. Paul states emphatically in Philippians 4:19, “And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” You love your husband, too. You miss his attention, and long for the day when he will not be away so much in body and mind, but God may want you to learn something very valuable through all this – that Christ really is all you need.

Forbear and Forgive

by Myra Shealy

Sometimes the irritating things that others do can seem so hard to live with. In a single day we are faced with many quirky, sometimes maddening, often thoughtless, and beyond that intentionally unkind things perpetrated against us by the people God has put in our lives. It is easy to become worn out by these things, and to begin to keep a record of wrongs. And if the conflict comes when I am trying to minister to someone and even sacrifice to help them, then their sins begin to feel as irritating as sand blown into my eyes, or a pebble in my shoe that grows with every step I take.

But as I've meditated on Colossians chapter 3, verse 13 has been especially helpful. It says, "bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, whoever has a complaint against anyone." Here is a clear prescription for dealing with those who sin against us. Christ calls us to forbear and forgive. That means putting up with all those irritations and further, direct acts of unkindness, and forgiving the ones who do those things. That is what true, unconditional love chooses to do.

When my heart needs motivation to do this, I focus on the very next phrase, "just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." For me, nothing shrinks the irritating sins of others down to size like being reminded of my own sins. I stand before the Lord each day as a debtor who owed a debt that was too great to ever be repaid. But because the One I owed is merciful, He Himself paid my debt for me and forgave it all. Keeping my eyes on the cross, and the mercy I received that I didn't deserve, helps me love and give grace to those around me, whether they deserve it or not.

I daily need the change that focusing on the Gospel brings to my own heart. His grace given to me shrinks the boulders in my shoe back down to pebble size.

Reciting the Victories of the Gospel

by Myra Shealy
In the 2003 printing of John Piper's Christian classic, Desiring God, he wrote an updated preface. The entire book is dedicated to his father, William Solomon Hottle Piper, and John Piper addresses him directly in the last paragraph:

"Finally, a word to my father. The dedicatory words I wrote in 1986 are still true seventeen years later. I look back through forty-five years and see mother at the dinner table, laughing so hard that the tears ran down her face. She was a very happy woman. But especially when you came home on Monday. You had been gone two weeks. Or sometimes three or four. She would glow on Monday mornings when you were coming home. At the diner table that night (these were the happiest of times in my memory) we would hear about the victories of the gospel. Surely it is more exciting to be the son of an evangelist than to sit with knights and warriors..."

What a statement! John Piper thought that being the son of an evangelist was more exciting than keeping company with knights and warriors. And why? There was something about his father coming home and reciting the true stories of Jesus conquering hearts with the Gospel, that impacted him as a young boy. His parents obviously got excited about such things. This was something they valued. His dad, as a traveling evangelist, was giving his life to preaching the Gospel, and his mom, characterized as a happy woman, wanted to hear those stories, and rejoice with her husband over what God was doing. Looking back on his childhood, John Piper remembered those times around the dinner table as his happiest memories.

This little scene that John Piper described reminded me of the opportunity that we have as parents to influence our children by our lives of ministry and our attitudes about it. In this case, he was influenced by the example set by his parents of Gospel work, and the natural conversation that flowed out of their delight in what God was doing. How simple! Our children are listening, and they are taking notes on the things that we give our lives to, and get excited about. We must be intentional in telling them about the wonderful things that Christ is doing in our own hearts and in our ministries! We need to also make sure we are strong in our trust and rest in God's great sovereignty when ministry is difficult. Negative, complaining, and despairing talk around our dinner tables also have an impact when little ears are listening. Let our words, actions, and attitudes show that we serve a mighty Savior, who has graciously put us into His service, and it is a privilege for which we are grateful.

How fitting that the little boy around the Piper's dinner table, listening with great interest to the victories of the Gospel, grew up to be a passionate preacher and writer, who has greatly influenced people around the world to treasure Christ above everything else.

I'll be thinking of that when we sit down for our next meal together.

Q & A

What has been the most challenging thing about being a missionary wife on a foreign field, and how has God helped you through that challenge?

by Aimee Alvord

For me, one of the most challenging things about being a missionary wife is the discomfort of feeling like I don’t fit in. All missionaries are not the same, and sometimes people feel as if there's a way of ministry that they have to fit into, and may feel pressure to do things the way others do them. For instance, some missionary wives are also Bible teachers, but that is not my giftedness. I do not usually enjoy studying (although I try to anyway) or teaching (unless it’s spiritual instruction to my kids). I have felt like this for over 20 years, telling myself that it’s ok in the body of Christ to be a hand instead of the brain, but still, the discomfort persists. Thankfully, the Lord gives me little revelations to keep me going. Like the other day I was sitting on the floor putting on my shoes, and it hit me: “I am SUPPOSED to feel inadequate. The Lord wants to be the strength in my weakness. That is the whole point!” Somehow along the way, I must have picked up the idea that when you are doing God’s will, it will feel comfortable. I’m not sure where I got that expectation, since I don’t think most of the heroes in the Bible became giants in the faith by fitting in well in their social circles. I can’t imagine that Jesus felt comfortable most of the time, either.

I think maybe my mistake comes when I confuse “comfort” and “peace”. I know by experience that submitting to the Lord’s will brings a certain peace, which, interestingly, can coexist with discomfort. I think comfort (the right kind) comes through abiding in Him – finding my identity in the Lord instead of in my little role on this earth.

So with the Lord’s help, I’ll continue to try and honor Him through persevering in obedience despite the unease. Maybe that way He’ll get all the credit for whatever good that happens because it’ll be obvious it wasn’t me!

Aimee and her husband Bruce Alvord have been serving the Lord in Ukraine since 1992.

A Gracious Woman Retains Honor

by Tracy Moore

As a young seminary wife I was determined to be the very best pastor’s wife I could be. Certain that my husband would be the very best pastor, I knew I needed to be up to the task! So, I memorized Titus 2 and Proverbs 31 and made lists of things to do with my children, my home, and in my marriage. It felt like a tall order, but was surely the path towards being a good pastor’s wife! Now, 21 years later, I still say that these things are a high priority, but there was a focus toward others missing from my early lists. I did not understand then what a huge need for humility and grace I would encounter over the years. For example, it did not occur to me that people would not only take an interest in how I raised my children, some would actually comment and criticize! From haircuts to home schooling, people have vocalized their opinions about my husband and our seven children. My favorite random criticism (so far) from one random congregant is: “Your husband jingles his keys too much.” We came to realize people naturally look to a ministry family for hope that God’s ways are best and that He is faithful. What a privilege to be a witness for Him! Is this because we achieve perfection in our lives and homes? Obviously not. The privilege, the witness, and the focus are in displaying His grace.

Ken Sande says “Peacemakers are people who breathe grace.” A ministry wife must learn to do this also! “…In lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” (Phil. 2:3) We have a real opportunity to help or hinder our husband’s ministry by our graciousness, or lack of, toward others. Learn to love people as Christ loved people! Some are easier than others, so we study His compassion and His kindness. It is easy to grow in our disdain or fear of people by rehearsing faults and wrongs in our heads or by thinking too highly of ourselves. The hard work is to esteem others as better than ourselves. Look for ways to encourage and bless others and watch your affection for them grow. See Christ’s redeeming work in them and remember His work in you, too. See congregants as your precious church family, who are people we are blessed to walk this life with!

Proverbs 11:16, “A gracious woman retains honor…” It is no fun to be criticized for things like putting your baby in the nursery or not, wearing dresses or pants, where and how you spend your time, and on it goes. The larger issue though, is discipleship ministry and glorifying Christ, and that matters most. Simply overlook offense and take heed where criticism is valid, no matter how awkwardly expressed. The wise ministry wife is confident in the biblical decisions she and her husband have made for their own family preferences, but maintains a humble and teachable heart. If we are easily offended, irritable, and proud we bring shame on the Lord and our husband’s ministry. No one likes a touchy pastor’s wife! Walk circumspectly, be kind and wise in your speech, and believe the best of others. Believe the best about the older lady who tells you how you really ought to parent or cook or spend your time. Ask the Lord for the grace to be truly grateful for her desire to be of help to you with what she has learned in her own life. Genuinely thank her for caring about you enough to share her thoughts, and ask her a question on the subject. Often you will learn something helpful! Then, show a kind interest in her life. This way we help to promote a peaceful, gracious culture in our churches, which is life changing and Christ exalting.

My husband tells me we need to ask God what He has for us in another’s criticisms. He rarely jingles his keys these days and has now served alongside that congregant, a beloved friend, for nearly 20 years!

Tracy is married to Joel Moore, pastor of Crown Valley Community Church in Acton, California.