Why Ministry Wives Must Live Upon and Love Titus 2:3-5

by Lisa Hughes

Titus 2:3-5 is one of only a handful of “for women” texts found in the Bible, and most of us are well-acquainted with these specific directions from God. Yet their familiarity can make it all too easy to skip over these God-given priorities, even when we’re in the ministry. This is precisely why we, as ministry wives, must make sure we understand our calling from God. Our husbands understand the scope of their calling from God. Can we say the same?

As ministry wives we must learn to live upon, and love, the priorities found in Titus 2:3-5 because these verses contain God’s will for every woman. And we, as ministry wives, are not the exception to the rule. If we’re going to have anything to say to those we minister to we must remember that we belong to the Lord. And that means we must order our lives according to His priorities. Those divinely directed guidelines are succinctly spelled out for us in three short verses in Titus chapter two.

Why do we need to love these priorities? Because mere lip service, or sheer grit-it-out obedience isn't enough to leave a lasting impact upon those we minister to. If we don't love these priorities, embrace them, and live them out wholeheartedly, in reality our lives say that God isn't perfectly wise and loving in how He wants us to live. We become the judge who decides what's the best way to live, rather than God. And we know that isn't right! So take a moment and read Titus 2:3-5 and consider how you are living out each priority. What is your attitude toward each one?

Living on, and loving, Titus 2:3-5 gives us wisdom in the ministry. With God’s priorities as our guide we can develop God-honoring and biblically based ministries to other women. Wisdom for marriage, parenting, and holy living are contained in these concisely stated verses. God desires His priorities to be the basis of our teaching, our mentoring, and our lives. This takes all the guesswork out of a developing ministry plan. We have it and it’s called Titus 2:3-5!

Lisa is married to Jack Hughes, (pastor of Calvary Bible Church in Burbank), is the author of God's Priorities for Today's Woman, and is the mother of three children.

Q & A: Ministry Burnout

by Tracy Moore

Question: What exactly is “ministry burnout” and how can we avoid it?

Answer:

One of my fears as a young ministry wife was that I would not be able to “handle” everything God put on my plate. My husband had his own full plate during seminary, and truth be told, he just got a bigger plate after he graduated! While preparing for, and living out a life of ministry we hear about “ministry burnout.” We read statistics of people who walk away from churches after only 3-5 years. We hear of men who are career pastors who lose their perspective and walk away from their pulpits, and sometimes their families. More frequently, we see pastors and their wives who have moved beyond tired and are now truly weary. The good news is that God really has given us everything we need pertaining to life and godliness. You can be assured, ministry wife, that if our Lord has called your husband to this life He has called you as well, and what He calls us to He equips us for! In our years of ministry we have observed and experienced weariness on different levels, and have known God’s great and sustaining grace.

Galatians 6:9 “And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.” In our experience, ministry burnout is the next step past weariness. Sometimes we grow weary from fatigue or discouragement. Sometimes it is resentment over time constraints or financial issues, or just people. Sometimes it is the sad result of our “Christianity” becoming an academic exercise and lists of do’s and don’ts rather than the joyful pursuit of loving and glorifying our Savior. In our humanness, there will always be the temptation to grow weary. What happens when weariness becomes burnout?

Burnout is ugly, especially for us ladies. Men will often become ineffective, or worse, walk away disillusioned with life in ministry. In my experience, women don’t do that. Women who are burned out, who do not respond to weariness in a biblical way, cause different damage. She will begin by doing things that are “the little foxes that spoil the vines” such as withdrawing, complaining, neglecting people and responsibilities, and having a resentful attitude about anything her husband does that takes him away from the family. She lets herself think God asks too much. If she does not turn around at this point and rely on His grace it may get worse. She may completely withdraw in self pity or she may lash out. This is a woman who will assume the worst about people and their motives, who accuses and slanders. She can even influence her husband to think poorly of people. She may be harsh or neglectful with her family. She has come to the conclusion that if it were not for ministry life she would have an easier time or nicer things or more help at home, and she feels very sorry for herself about how hard things are. She ceases to be her pastor husband’s cheerleader and helper and forces him to cater to her fragile, bitter state. Don’t let it happen to you. Be encouraged, grace abounds! “God is the strength of my life and my portion forever.” Ps. 73:26.

So, since none of us wants to be crazy or mean, how do we avoid that kind of burnout? Like all sanctification, it begins with the heart. Find the great joy to be had in ministry life! Some biblical antidotes to the weariness that leads to burnout are: rest, gratitude, serving others, cultivating perseverance, and viewing it all as an act of worship. Be disciplined in the simple basics of getting rest, caring for your body, and being faithful in your devotions. Being purposely grateful and deliberately content for what He has provided will keep your heart humble and desirous to serve. If you feel yourself losing your perspective, make a Thankfulness List and then go reach out to someone.

Ponder what a privilege it is to be given the opportunity to share your life, to share the hope of redemption, and to exemplify grace in all the ways a ministry family can for Christ! All in one week you might feed 20 people before Bible study, work in children’s ministry, counsel someone, open your home, and show hospitality to your community at your church. Plus, you will have loved, fed, and encouraged the man who will be used of God to shepherd many souls…all before the watchful eyes and hearts of your children. What a blessing!

With people, just persevere. Easier said than done, I know. In our house we remind each other that “it’s never over.” We have had times when a result looked bleak, and years later there is an amazing outcome. It is tempting to be discouraged if you don’t see “success” or the fruit of your labor in a timely way. He is faithful, He asks for faithfulness, and He decides the results.

Lastly, remember it is all for worship. He is worthy of all the sacrifice we can offer. “For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things, to whom be glory forever. Amen.” Rm. 11:36. This IS the abundant life! Enjoy!

Tracy is married to Joel Moore, pastor of Crown Valley Community Church in Acton, California.

A Helpful Resource: Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands

by Myra Shealy
Over the past year, my Bible study ladies and I read Paul David Tripp's book Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands. It was one of the best books I have read in a long time about discipleship and ministry, and solidified and expanded my understanding of how God intends to use sinners (in need of change) in the lives of other sinners (also needing change).

At the end of Chapter 14, Tripp sums up the gist of the whole book and articulates the simplicity, yet grandeur of personal ministry in the following couple of paragraphs:

"Two things always come to my mind as I finish teaching this material. First, I am hit with the utter simplicity of biblical personal ministry. It is not a secret technology for the intervention elite, but a simple call to every one of God's children to be part of what God is doing in the lives of others. It is living in humble, honest, redemptive community with others, loving as Christ has loved, and going beyond the casual to really know people. It is loving others enough to speak the truth to them, helping them to see themselves in the mirror of God's Word. And it is standing with others, helping them to do what God has called them to do. It is basically just a call to biblical friendship! It is almost embarrassingly simple: Love people. Know them. Speak truth into their lives. Help them do what God has called them to do.

At the same time, there is a grandeur to personal ministry that cannot be captured with words. God is painting his grace on the canvas of human souls. One day we will stand with him in Glory and see that canvas completed, and we won't be able to do anything but worship. What is our part in all of this? We are God's brushes. He wants to soak us on the palette of his grace and paint more of his goodness on yet another soul. The question is, "Are we soft brushes in his hands?" A hard, dried-out brush doesn't pick up the paint well and mars the surface it was meant to beautify. I hope this book will help you become a soft brush in the hands of a Redeemer who will continue to paint until his canvas is complete."

Tripp's hope, expressed in that last sentence, is my prayer as I set out to apply the principles outlined in this helpful book.

Five Lessons I Learned as a Seminary Wife

Greetings! My name is Rosita Haight, and I am married to Nick Haight, a 2011 graduate of The Cornerstone Seminary. He entered seminary 7 years ago, in 2004. We have 6 children, ages 15 years down to 15 months. In 2006, Nick was sent out by Community Bible Church in Vallejo to plant The Cornerstone Bible Church in Sacramento. We will be celebrating our 5th year church anniversary in September. God is faithful!
What I have to share is a testimony of what God has done.
*****
Five Lessons I Learned as a Seminary Wife
by Rosita Haight

1. Pray First
I learned that I needed to pray first so that God could counsel me before I went to my husband. I found that when I poured out my heart to God and heard my own (often) pitiful prayers, I was convicted over just how weak I was and how my requests were (often) so petty. As I learned to pray first, God would align my will with His, sober me, get my focus off myself, and quiet my anxious heart. Out of those times in prayer would arise the real needs that I could take to my busy husband with the assurance that these were the main things I needed his help with. Psalm 62:8 begins, “Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.” Before talking to your busy husband about your needs, talk first to your heavenly Father so he can help you see what your true needs are.

2. Live According to Life’s Season
Seasons force you to change and do things differently. When it is winter, you put on a coat to go play in the snow. When summer comes, you put on a swimsuit and go to the pool. I have choices to make with each season, and if I’m wise I’ll make the choices that take the most advantage of the new season. If I choose otherwise, I can miss out on some enjoyable things. The same is true for both life in general and life in seminary. There were certain seasons where I had to think soberly (usually during finals) and other seasons when I had to make the best of things on my own (like when my husband was trying to learn Greek or Hebrew). I certainly wasted a few seasons, too, sad that I didn’t have my husband to myself or upset that I wasn’t getting all I thought I needed or worrying about whether the children were happy. As each new season came (a new baby, moving to Sacramento, starting the church, another baby), God helped me adjust and find joy in the change. Paul instructs us in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 to “Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.” It may take some time, but God is faithful and will show you how to embrace the changes He brings and live according to the season He has allowed.

3. My Support is Crucial
With seminary requirements on top of family needs, work expectations, and ministry demands, my husband would feel emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained. He would often feel like he barely had enough time to catch his breath after being tumbled by one wave before the next wave comes crashing down on him. I learned that by my gentle and calm voice, a reassuring look, or a note of support and encouragement I could speak volumes to his heart and mind. It may have been difficult for me, too, but I saw how much my husband needed me. Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” During those times when your husband feels overwhelmed, you need to see how crucial your support is for your husband.

4. Perspective is Everything
Is seminary a blessing or a curse? Believe me, I have felt both. How you answer that question is a matter of perspective. I learned that in life, and most certainly in seminary, perspective is everything. Seminary is just one of the many difficult challenges I will face with my husband. It took some time, but God eventually taught me that He had a greater purpose for me than just surviving seminary. He did this by changing my perspective. Yes, my husband was distracted, busy, overwhelmed and often away, but he was also being trained up and equipped for the work of ministry. He was preparing to plant and pastor a church. This is a great work that God is doing and I not only have a front row seat but a part in the play! I needed to learn that having a husband in seminary is a joy to take part in, not a burden to bear. David said in Psalm 31:14-15, “But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD, I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hand.” Ask God to teach you that the difference between seeing seminary as a burden or a blessing is often a matter of your perspective. Perspective is everything.

5. Christ Really is All I Need
Even though I knew that Christ was all I needed, I still needed to learn that Christ really was all I needed. What I believed in my head needed to make the difference in my heart. From the time we got married, my husband and I enjoyed doing everything together. Seminary, however, meant being apart and taking on a number of things by myself (planning our son’s first birthday party, attending family functions, running various errands). Through all this, God began to show me that I really can be fully satisfied with Him. I really can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. His grace really is sufficient for whatever He allows. Yes, it took time, but I believe I learned. Paul states emphatically in Philippians 4:19, “And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” You love your husband, too. You miss his attention, and long for the day when he will not be away so much in body and mind, but God may want you to learn something very valuable through all this – that Christ really is all you need.

Forbear and Forgive

by Myra Shealy

Sometimes the irritating things that others do can seem so hard to live with. In a single day we are faced with many quirky, sometimes maddening, often thoughtless, and beyond that intentionally unkind things perpetrated against us by the people God has put in our lives. It is easy to become worn out by these things, and to begin to keep a record of wrongs. And if the conflict comes when I am trying to minister to someone and even sacrifice to help them, then their sins begin to feel as irritating as sand blown into my eyes, or a pebble in my shoe that grows with every step I take.

But as I've meditated on Colossians chapter 3, verse 13 has been especially helpful. It says, "bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, whoever has a complaint against anyone." Here is a clear prescription for dealing with those who sin against us. Christ calls us to forbear and forgive. That means putting up with all those irritations and further, direct acts of unkindness, and forgiving the ones who do those things. That is what true, unconditional love chooses to do.

When my heart needs motivation to do this, I focus on the very next phrase, "just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." For me, nothing shrinks the irritating sins of others down to size like being reminded of my own sins. I stand before the Lord each day as a debtor who owed a debt that was too great to ever be repaid. But because the One I owed is merciful, He Himself paid my debt for me and forgave it all. Keeping my eyes on the cross, and the mercy I received that I didn't deserve, helps me love and give grace to those around me, whether they deserve it or not.

I daily need the change that focusing on the Gospel brings to my own heart. His grace given to me shrinks the boulders in my shoe back down to pebble size.

Reciting the Victories of the Gospel

by Myra Shealy
In the 2003 printing of John Piper's Christian classic, Desiring God, he wrote an updated preface. The entire book is dedicated to his father, William Solomon Hottle Piper, and John Piper addresses him directly in the last paragraph:

"Finally, a word to my father. The dedicatory words I wrote in 1986 are still true seventeen years later. I look back through forty-five years and see mother at the dinner table, laughing so hard that the tears ran down her face. She was a very happy woman. But especially when you came home on Monday. You had been gone two weeks. Or sometimes three or four. She would glow on Monday mornings when you were coming home. At the diner table that night (these were the happiest of times in my memory) we would hear about the victories of the gospel. Surely it is more exciting to be the son of an evangelist than to sit with knights and warriors..."

What a statement! John Piper thought that being the son of an evangelist was more exciting than keeping company with knights and warriors. And why? There was something about his father coming home and reciting the true stories of Jesus conquering hearts with the Gospel, that impacted him as a young boy. His parents obviously got excited about such things. This was something they valued. His dad, as a traveling evangelist, was giving his life to preaching the Gospel, and his mom, characterized as a happy woman, wanted to hear those stories, and rejoice with her husband over what God was doing. Looking back on his childhood, John Piper remembered those times around the dinner table as his happiest memories.

This little scene that John Piper described reminded me of the opportunity that we have as parents to influence our children by our lives of ministry and our attitudes about it. In this case, he was influenced by the example set by his parents of Gospel work, and the natural conversation that flowed out of their delight in what God was doing. How simple! Our children are listening, and they are taking notes on the things that we give our lives to, and get excited about. We must be intentional in telling them about the wonderful things that Christ is doing in our own hearts and in our ministries! We need to also make sure we are strong in our trust and rest in God's great sovereignty when ministry is difficult. Negative, complaining, and despairing talk around our dinner tables also have an impact when little ears are listening. Let our words, actions, and attitudes show that we serve a mighty Savior, who has graciously put us into His service, and it is a privilege for which we are grateful.

How fitting that the little boy around the Piper's dinner table, listening with great interest to the victories of the Gospel, grew up to be a passionate preacher and writer, who has greatly influenced people around the world to treasure Christ above everything else.

I'll be thinking of that when we sit down for our next meal together.

Q & A

What has been the most challenging thing about being a missionary wife on a foreign field, and how has God helped you through that challenge?

by Aimee Alvord

For me, one of the most challenging things about being a missionary wife is the discomfort of feeling like I don’t fit in. All missionaries are not the same, and sometimes people feel as if there's a way of ministry that they have to fit into, and may feel pressure to do things the way others do them. For instance, some missionary wives are also Bible teachers, but that is not my giftedness. I do not usually enjoy studying (although I try to anyway) or teaching (unless it’s spiritual instruction to my kids). I have felt like this for over 20 years, telling myself that it’s ok in the body of Christ to be a hand instead of the brain, but still, the discomfort persists. Thankfully, the Lord gives me little revelations to keep me going. Like the other day I was sitting on the floor putting on my shoes, and it hit me: “I am SUPPOSED to feel inadequate. The Lord wants to be the strength in my weakness. That is the whole point!” Somehow along the way, I must have picked up the idea that when you are doing God’s will, it will feel comfortable. I’m not sure where I got that expectation, since I don’t think most of the heroes in the Bible became giants in the faith by fitting in well in their social circles. I can’t imagine that Jesus felt comfortable most of the time, either.

I think maybe my mistake comes when I confuse “comfort” and “peace”. I know by experience that submitting to the Lord’s will brings a certain peace, which, interestingly, can coexist with discomfort. I think comfort (the right kind) comes through abiding in Him – finding my identity in the Lord instead of in my little role on this earth.

So with the Lord’s help, I’ll continue to try and honor Him through persevering in obedience despite the unease. Maybe that way He’ll get all the credit for whatever good that happens because it’ll be obvious it wasn’t me!

Aimee and her husband Bruce Alvord have been serving the Lord in Ukraine since 1992.

A Gracious Woman Retains Honor

by Tracy Moore

As a young seminary wife I was determined to be the very best pastor’s wife I could be. Certain that my husband would be the very best pastor, I knew I needed to be up to the task! So, I memorized Titus 2 and Proverbs 31 and made lists of things to do with my children, my home, and in my marriage. It felt like a tall order, but was surely the path towards being a good pastor’s wife! Now, 21 years later, I still say that these things are a high priority, but there was a focus toward others missing from my early lists. I did not understand then what a huge need for humility and grace I would encounter over the years. For example, it did not occur to me that people would not only take an interest in how I raised my children, some would actually comment and criticize! From haircuts to home schooling, people have vocalized their opinions about my husband and our seven children. My favorite random criticism (so far) from one random congregant is: “Your husband jingles his keys too much.” We came to realize people naturally look to a ministry family for hope that God’s ways are best and that He is faithful. What a privilege to be a witness for Him! Is this because we achieve perfection in our lives and homes? Obviously not. The privilege, the witness, and the focus are in displaying His grace.

Ken Sande says “Peacemakers are people who breathe grace.” A ministry wife must learn to do this also! “…In lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” (Phil. 2:3) We have a real opportunity to help or hinder our husband’s ministry by our graciousness, or lack of, toward others. Learn to love people as Christ loved people! Some are easier than others, so we study His compassion and His kindness. It is easy to grow in our disdain or fear of people by rehearsing faults and wrongs in our heads or by thinking too highly of ourselves. The hard work is to esteem others as better than ourselves. Look for ways to encourage and bless others and watch your affection for them grow. See Christ’s redeeming work in them and remember His work in you, too. See congregants as your precious church family, who are people we are blessed to walk this life with!

Proverbs 11:16, “A gracious woman retains honor…” It is no fun to be criticized for things like putting your baby in the nursery or not, wearing dresses or pants, where and how you spend your time, and on it goes. The larger issue though, is discipleship ministry and glorifying Christ, and that matters most. Simply overlook offense and take heed where criticism is valid, no matter how awkwardly expressed. The wise ministry wife is confident in the biblical decisions she and her husband have made for their own family preferences, but maintains a humble and teachable heart. If we are easily offended, irritable, and proud we bring shame on the Lord and our husband’s ministry. No one likes a touchy pastor’s wife! Walk circumspectly, be kind and wise in your speech, and believe the best of others. Believe the best about the older lady who tells you how you really ought to parent or cook or spend your time. Ask the Lord for the grace to be truly grateful for her desire to be of help to you with what she has learned in her own life. Genuinely thank her for caring about you enough to share her thoughts, and ask her a question on the subject. Often you will learn something helpful! Then, show a kind interest in her life. This way we help to promote a peaceful, gracious culture in our churches, which is life changing and Christ exalting.

My husband tells me we need to ask God what He has for us in another’s criticisms. He rarely jingles his keys these days and has now served alongside that congregant, a beloved friend, for nearly 20 years!

Tracy is married to Joel Moore, pastor of Crown Valley Community Church in Acton, California.

Random Chaos or Designed Disorder

by Ginny Anthes

Come into my kitchen and look into a drawer of mine that I consider to be “managed chaos.” It means that I have put things in there that don’t fit in the more ordered drawers, yet I know roughly what is there, and precisely where a few of the often used items are. One drawer like that is fine, but when our life begins to spin out of our control and feels cluttered with items that we don’t remember choosing to put in it, there are two truths we must get a good grip on if we are to experience peace in our lives.

Since the opening chapters of Genesis when Adam and Eve sinned and were sent out of the perfectly ordered garden, into a world of chaos, women have been coping with life that just seems “to come at us.” What is it that robs peace from your heart? In ministry, just when we feel we are exerting some control over our home domain…bam! That brings us to the first truth: Our God reigns! “And he does according to his will among the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth.” (Dan. 4:35) Does that mean when you are sitting in Intensive Care with a deathly sick or injured child, that God is ruling and ordering your life at that moment? When peace has descended on your home in the evening and the knock comes at your door, or the phone rings…you know something out of your control has happened. There was a period of time in my life when all the following were happening simultaneously. My father came for a short visit, but ended up with heart surgery, that went awry, making him a total invalid. Half of my house was torn off for a remodel, our church of fifteen years was exerting tremendous pressure on us, all of my children were living at home and with little sleep or energy, I felt that I was going from one crisis to the next, day after day, week after week. The Lord reminded me that I was to welcome these trials as friends, and by his grace, I set my heart to do that. Day after day, he sustained me and gave me joy, and peace, that were not mine.

That brings us to the second truth that we must anchor our souls to: The Spirit Produces Peace. In I Cor. 6:19-20 Paul tells us that our “body is a temple of the Holy Spirit.” In Gal. 5:22 we read that his fruit, among others, is peace. God’s gracious provision for us in Christ is the Holy Spirit who lives in us, reminding us of the truth that Christ is sufficient for all our needs, and it is he who produces peace. When life becomes difficult, fix your mind quickly on the truth that our all wise, sovereign, loving God is directing your path. Turn you heart and mind and spirit towards him with dependence on his Spirit to give you peace. While I never go looking for trouble, when God directs it my way, I realize it is an amazing opportunity to glorify him, demonstrating to the world, that in the midst of the storms of life, Jesus Christ is sufficient. Jesus himself has gone before us, taking each insult, each lash on his back, each nail in the palm, knowing from eternity that it was his Father’s will for him. Let us learn to trust and depend on our gracious Father who loved us enough to design such a life for his beloved Son.

Ginny is married to Paul Anthes, who is pastor of Community Bible Church of Placerville, Ca., and a graduate of The Cornerstone Seminary.

"The Believer's Sweet Pillow"

by Karen Fernandez

Every once in a while, God brings a person into my life that is a bruised reed. I know from experience that, “A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoking flax He will not quench. . .” (Isaiah 42:3), but He will restore and revive. The truth that He is sovereign, completely in control of every facet of my life, brings me great comfort and confidence in the future, knowing that He is working everything out for my good and ultimately, for His glory. I can think of nothing more comforting than laying my heart on the promise and truth that God's sovereign goodness is working behind the scenes of my life---the One who is all-powerful, all-knowing, everywhere, and all-sufficient. Spurgeon calls God's providence “the believer's sweet pillow”.

The writings of C. H. Spurgeon are the most picturesque, vivid imagery that the Christian world has been blessed with. I trust that the quote below will encourage and comfort your hearts:

" Christian! There is no sweeter pillow than providence! And when providence seems adverse, believe it still, and lay it under your head. For depend upon it—there is comfort in its bosom...How sweet is 'providence' to a child of God, when he can reflect upon it. He can look out into this world, and say--”However great my troubles, they are not so great as my Father's power. However difficult may be my circumstances, yet all things around me are working together for good.” He who guides the stars in the well-ordered courses, even when they seem to move in hazy dances—surely he can overrule my trials in such a way that out of confusion he will bring order; and from seeming evil, produce lasting good. He who bridles the storm, and puts the bit in the mouth of the tempest, surely he can restrain my trial, and keep my sorrows in subjection.

I believe that every particle of dust that dances in the sunbeam does not move an atom more or less than God wishes; that every particle of spray that dashes against the steamboat has its orbit as well as the sun in the heavens; that the chaff from the hand of the winnower is steered as surely as the stars in their courses; and the fall of leaves from the tree is as fully ordained as the tumbling avalanche.

He who believes in God must believe this truth. There is no standing point between this and atheism. There is no halfway between an Almighty God, who works all things according to the good pleasure of his will, and no God at all!”

Karen is married to Steve Fernandez, pastor of Community Bible Church for over 30 years, and president of The Cornerstone Seminary in Vallejo, Ca.

Helping Those Who are Hurting

by Judy Achilles

Q: I’m fearful that I’ll say or do something wrong in trying to comfort those that experience great loss, (death, cancer, etc.) What should I do or not do when someone is hurting?

A: I learned a long time ago to pray for compassion. It is the character trait of great empathy, deep emotional tenderness to another persons’ suffering, along with a desire to relieve that suffering. Be assured that God will answer your prayer as He did mine. Romans 5:5 already affirms that the “love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” So we pray God will actively be demonstrating His love and compassion through us. It is not so much what we say with words; it is our eagerness to provide immediate help. We bring everything from hugs of affirming love to tissues we have placed in our pocket ready for tears we will share together. We bring listening ears that discern the immediate needs, and kind assurance that we will be there as long as needed.

Our anguish comes when we choose to do nothing.

The attitude of compassion is God’s gift for all—lost neighbors, relatives, and those saved whether family or members of the congregation. Be like the Good Samaritan who ministered to the immediate needs first, and extended his compassion with encouragement and long term support. Sometimes “words” usually fall on ears that do not yet have the ability to clearly listen. So many extreme situations—death, cancer, miscarried babies, too many to list!—become like Israel facing the Red Sea. People become full of anger, disappointment, fear and unbelief. And we can’t change it or “fix it!” I know I can’t “part” the Red Sea. But God can! And I have the privilege of compassionately holding their hands as we walk through their “Red Sea” on dry ground together. In time there will be obvious opportunities to share Scripture for comfort, courage, understanding, and in some cases salvation. But the immediate need is to hold tightly to a shattered heart.

My husband was home with me following my surgery for ovarian cancer, and I was in the midst of chemotherapy. He was really not well himself, and I never wanted to bother him with little things. My “Good Samaritans” from church sensed I needed a little assistance. So a couple of gals sat on my couch and just asked “What do you need?” My toenails and fingernails desperately needed trimming, and I didn’t have the strength to use nail clippers; the few remaining strands of hair on my head were not enough to cover anything, and I yearned for lotion on my back…a place I just couldn’t reach! Following a complete nail job, shaved head, styling of my new wig, and an ample supply of lotion, we had a sweet time of prayer, and I thanked God for their compassion and love so freely given to me.

As the pastor’s wife you will be assisting your husband in extending compassion to many families in your community and church. You may desire to stay more intimately connected if it is a woman who is in need of help and especially one involved in your congregation. You can organize a compassion ministry and have a discussion on what were the most effective demonstrations of compassion that touched their lives when they were in time of great need. It is not the words, but the fact you were there ministering the “little things” on their journey through the “Red Sea”.

-Judy and her husband Bob Achilles shared a life of ministry together in the church before he went home to be with the Lord in 2008. He was a pastor, seminary professor, and made many trips overseas to train men in Russia. She continues to serve the Lord at Grace Church of Napa, enjoys teaching and counseling women, and speaking at women's conferences.

Training Children for the Long Haul

by Myra Shealy

Years ago, when we only had small children, I remember complaining to my husband after a particularly rough day. My entire day had been spent dealing with our children's disobedience and I was worn out and frustrated. He listened patiently, then put his arm around me and congratulated me for spending my day wisely! Then he reminded me that we were in this for the long haul, and to be patient and not give up.

When the Bible says "train" up a child, we need to make sure we realize what train means. It means practicing over and over against resistance until something becomes part of your nature. That is what God is calling us to do with our children. It will not be accomplished in a day, or a month, or a year, but is something you must engage in until your children leave your home and enter the adult world. Now, it is reasonable to long to see some fruit from your labors before they leave, but just keep in mind that it is a long process. I know that many times today, even after many years of being a mom, I still feel overwhelmed and exhausted and discouraged, but now I am enjoying fruit in my older children that the Lord is producing in their lives, and I wouldn't trade that for any less stressful, or more restful, or irritation-free life. It is worth everything we go through!

Also, remember why we do what we do. We are giving our lives away to train and love these children all day long because it is what God commands us to do, not because of the fruit we see in their lives. I've had some moms say that they gave up on training their kids because it didn't work. But the Lord doesn't give us that out. We are to keep on obeying Him and leave the fruit production in His hands. He will grant fruit whenever He deems best, and we have to continue on in faith and trust Him. Work as if it all depends on you, but PRAY for your children, remembering that ultimately it all depends on His work in their hearts. You have every reason to expect fruit, though, because He says that His Word will not return to Him void, but will accomplish His purpose. (Isaiah 55:11) Keep giving your children His Word, and keep striving to obey it yourself. God doesn't usually give a divine zap out of nowhere to change the hearts of people. He uses His Word, and people who bring His Word to needy hearts. He wants to use you.

Let's say you are faithful to this task until your children reach adulthood, and then they openly rebel and reject everything you have tried to impart to them. Was it still the right thing to do? I say absolutely YES! You will have a clear conscience that you tried to obey the Lord, and you will have gained great sanctification along the way. Also your children will have been given the keys to abundant life here and eternal life afterward. Keep pressing on!

Q and A

Q: With the instant availability of internet pornography, and countless stories of pastors who fall into sexual sin, what can we wives do to help our husbands remain pure and stand against sexual temptation?


A: Helping your husband starts with prayer. First, pray that his heart would be so captivated by the gracious love and mercy that the Savior has shown him, and His worthiness to be worshiped and treasured above all things, that he would have his eyes and heart full of Christ and live satisfied in Him. Second, pray that your husband would have the wisdom and discernment to be able to see sin for what it is: deceitful and deadly. Sin promises pleasure, but what it delivers is momentary, fleeting, empty, and destructive. Ask God to give him a sober mind to be on the alert against the enemy, who loves to take men out of useful ministry. Also ask God to keep teaching him to rely moment by moment on the power of the Holy Spirit to say "no" to sexual temptation, and "yes" to a life of purity and contentment in Christ alone.


Helping your husband also means working hard to be the wife he longs to come home to. The days get so busy, and it would be easy to neglect your marriage because of the onslaught of all the urgent and necessary things that happen in a day. But it is important to cultivate a loving relationship. Admire him, speak words of praise for his good qualities, and encourage him. Be effusive in expressing your love for him, not only through your words, but with your body language and physical affection. Let him find in your arms a welcoming comfort from the troubles of this world, and the difficulties of ministry. Also, take time to keep yourself attractive for your husband, even giving consideration to his preferences about such things as your clothing and hair. Work hard to make your body strong, healthy, and fit.


It is also important to think Biblically about the sexual relationship as God designed it. If you are married, you are living in the one scenario in which God not only intended sex to be enjoyed, but also commands that it not be neglected, as it is His gift for your intimate joy together. God wants your body to be a gift that you willingly present to your husband. To deprive him of this puts him in a position to be tempted. (1 Cor. 7:5) Do you think about physical intimacy with your husband in this way? Desire your husband and let him know it. Plan times to be alone together. Save some energy for him at the end of the day. Resolve conflicts quickly and don't take them into your bedroom, or punish him by withholding affection when there has been a disagreement.


One pastor who fell to sexual sin said that his wife at home was always critical, complaining, and unhappy, but the woman he counseled (and with whom he fell into sin) was attractive, encouraging, kind, and intentional in her appreciation of him. While that man is completely accountable to God for his own sin, his wife also bears a responsibility for the way she treated him. Don't neglect the power you hold to make a refuge of love at home for your husband.


One other way to help your husband be protected from sexual temptation on the internet is to suggest practical resources. Click the links below to find free software to block objectionable sites on your computer, and to provide accountability.


X3watch (free)


K9 Web Protection (free)


-Myra Shealy

Fighting for Joy in Ministry

by Myra Shealy
There are some unique challenges that come with being married to a man devoted to full-time ministry. Maybe you have experienced some of these:

The workload and burdens of ministry are often great, and we may feel overwhelmed and exhausted. The resistance/conflict with the objects of our ministry and our ministry partners can sometimes be draining. Our godly counsel may be ignored by those we are trying to help, and they instead make decisions that have serious negative consequences. We lack wisdom to help our people straighten out the mess that sin has made in their lives. Plus we have our own set of problems with sin and weakness, the struggles with relationships in our own families, and trials that come into our lives.

Sometimes we are tempted to respond to those pressures in a wrong way. In our pride, we operate in our own strength. We neglect the means of grace that God intended for our strength in Him, (the word, fellowship, prayer). We forget that we have a personal enemy roaming about seeking our destruction. We forget to arm ourselves for spiritual battle. We forget there even is a battle and that we are already in it. We look back at the past and complain. We look forward to the future and worry. We may even begin to blame others or punish those around us for our discouragement and struggle.

These challenges, and our wrong responses to all the dificulties of life and ministry, can strip us of our joy in Christ.

Our Problem

What is at the heart of our struggle?

Listen to the words of Hebrews 3:13: “Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God. But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called "Today," so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin."

While this passage primarily calls us to our responsibility toward other believers, notice how it sets unbelief as the opposite of being encouraged. To have a sinful, unbelieving heart can result in a hardened, deceived heart. How does unbelief manifest itself?

John Piper says, “…all sins come from unbelief in the promises of God. All the sinful states of our hearts are owing to unbelief in God's super-abounding willingness and ability to work for us in every situation of life so that everything turns out for our good. Anxiety …indifference, regret, covetousness, envy, lust, bitterness, impatience, despondency, pride—these are all sprouts from the root of unbelief in the promises of God.”

In our despair we choose to not believe His promises like:

2 Corinthians 12:8: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Matthew 28:20b: “...I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

Matthew 6:33: “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” (speaking of basic needs like food, clothing, etc)

Isaiah 41:10: “'Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

And, Isaiah 55:11: “So is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

My lack of joy usually shows me one other thing about my heart. I often prize God’s gifts above God himself. When I have a sinful response because I don’t get those gifts that I desire (of comfort, convenience, fruit from ministry labor, peace and lack of conflict in a relationship, appreciation from others, children that are obedient, saved and mature, etc) I am showing that my heart is not satisfied with the greater gift of Christ alone.

Our Prayer

When we see this about ourselves, we must cry out for joy, because it is a gift from God that only He can give, but that He loves to give in His own timing. We must repent of our unbelief and our sin of treasuring anything above Christ. Then we will find true and lasting joy in Him.

We should pray as the Psalmist did in Psalm 51:12: “Restore to me the joy of my salvation…”
And in Psalm 91:14: “Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love.”

Our Pursuit

While we wait for God to restore our joy, we must also fight for it!

The fight for joy is a struggle to get to a place where we focus our hearts on Christ, savor the glory of who He is, and be satisfied. We can never afford to let the busyness of a life of ministry, and the difficulties that come along with it, distract us from cherishing Jesus, our all-satisfying treasure.

We must daily return to this sure foundation for our joy: Jesus, our Righteous Judge has become our Merciful Savior! He has paid for all our sin with his own precious blood, and caused us to be born again into the family of God. So we must preach the Gospel to ourselves every day and celebrate all Christ has done for us. Jesus is the Mighty Conqueror over every thing that kills true joy!

Pursuing joy also means that we must put ourselves in the pathway of His blessing.

Don’t neglect his word.

Psalm 19:7,8 says “The law of the Lord is perfect, restoring the soul …The precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart.”

The prophet Jeremiah says “Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and a delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O LORD, God of hosts. (Jeremiah 15:16)

Don’t neglect fellowship.

The Lord never intended for us to be alone and discouraged, but commands all believers to encourage others so that none will have a sinful, unbelieving heart and become deceived and hardened. (Hebrews 3:13) This verse speaks of our responsibility to give and receive encouragement.

Don’t neglect serving.

One of the most common means of rescue in my life is the opportunity to share the word with those around me. Countless times, the Lord has used a Christian book I was reading with my children, or a discipleship meeting, or a book discussion with my Bible study ladies to pull me out of discouragement, and remind me of Christ's promises.

Don’t neglect to give Christ your burdens.

In his book When I Don't Desire God, John Piper says, “The life of joy in God is not a burdened life. It is an unburdened life. The fight for joy is the struggle to trust God with the burdens of life. It’s a fight for freedom from worry. It’s a fight for hope and peace and joy, which are all threatened by unbelief and doubt about God’s promises. “

Our Portion

In Psalm 73:25, 26, we read “Whom have I in heaven but you? And besides you, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.”

When we can say that, then we have found Christ to be more valuable than anything in this world! With that heart, you will be able to see a life of full-time ministry as a life of self-sacrificing love TO YOUR SAVIOR, and not merely to your husband, children, ladies you are discipling, or others. That will bring a life of real and lasting joy! After all, “It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” And He’s “the only God who’s worthy of everything we can give!”

Resource for Parenting

by Myra Shealy

One goal for this blog is to suggest helpful resources to encourage you in your own personal growth, in your family relationships, and in your ministry by your husband's side. For those of you who have children, you have daily opportunities to perform the crucial ministry of loving and training up your children to know the Lord Jesus. As a mother of eight children, I know that at times this task is overwhelming!

Over the years I have been so thankful for resources that helped us gain wisdom for such a huge undertaking as raising children, and find the hope and encouragement that we needed on the difficult days. Also, from a ministry perspective, it is good to be able to help others who are struggling or newer to the task than we are.

Recently, at Community Bible Church in Vallejo, pastor Phil Foley has been teaching a series on parenting. It has been such a beneficial study that I wanted to share it with you. Nine of the sessions have been posted on the CBC website and include these topics:

1. Seeing the Big Picture

2. Our Hope: God's Heart in Glorifying Himself in the Coming Generation

3. The Centrality of the Gospel for Parenting

4. Learning from the Fatherhood of God (Brian Shealy)

5. The Unique Role of the Father

6. The Unique Role of the Mother

7. The Role of the Church in Helping Parents Part 1

8. The Role of the Church in Helping Parents Part 2

9. Proclaiming the Gospel Through Biblical Discipline

Click HERE to go to the page where all these sermons are accessible, or type into your browser:

http://www.cbcvallejo.org/parenting-class-phil-foley

Did you know that there are many other sermons available at the CBC website? You will find Steve Fernandez' sermons there, of course. Also, if you would like more on parenting and family, you should notice that all the sessions from CBC's 2009 Family conference are available. Click HERE to check it out.

May the Lord give us wisdom to train our children up in His ways, and to tell the generation to come the great things He has done.