Five Lessons I Learned as a Seminary Wife

Greetings! My name is Rosita Haight, and I am married to Nick Haight, a 2011 graduate of The Cornerstone Seminary. He entered seminary 7 years ago, in 2004. We have 6 children, ages 15 years down to 15 months. In 2006, Nick was sent out by Community Bible Church in Vallejo to plant The Cornerstone Bible Church in Sacramento. We will be celebrating our 5th year church anniversary in September. God is faithful!
What I have to share is a testimony of what God has done.
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Five Lessons I Learned as a Seminary Wife
by Rosita Haight

1. Pray First
I learned that I needed to pray first so that God could counsel me before I went to my husband. I found that when I poured out my heart to God and heard my own (often) pitiful prayers, I was convicted over just how weak I was and how my requests were (often) so petty. As I learned to pray first, God would align my will with His, sober me, get my focus off myself, and quiet my anxious heart. Out of those times in prayer would arise the real needs that I could take to my busy husband with the assurance that these were the main things I needed his help with. Psalm 62:8 begins, “Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.” Before talking to your busy husband about your needs, talk first to your heavenly Father so he can help you see what your true needs are.

2. Live According to Life’s Season
Seasons force you to change and do things differently. When it is winter, you put on a coat to go play in the snow. When summer comes, you put on a swimsuit and go to the pool. I have choices to make with each season, and if I’m wise I’ll make the choices that take the most advantage of the new season. If I choose otherwise, I can miss out on some enjoyable things. The same is true for both life in general and life in seminary. There were certain seasons where I had to think soberly (usually during finals) and other seasons when I had to make the best of things on my own (like when my husband was trying to learn Greek or Hebrew). I certainly wasted a few seasons, too, sad that I didn’t have my husband to myself or upset that I wasn’t getting all I thought I needed or worrying about whether the children were happy. As each new season came (a new baby, moving to Sacramento, starting the church, another baby), God helped me adjust and find joy in the change. Paul instructs us in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 to “Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.” It may take some time, but God is faithful and will show you how to embrace the changes He brings and live according to the season He has allowed.

3. My Support is Crucial
With seminary requirements on top of family needs, work expectations, and ministry demands, my husband would feel emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained. He would often feel like he barely had enough time to catch his breath after being tumbled by one wave before the next wave comes crashing down on him. I learned that by my gentle and calm voice, a reassuring look, or a note of support and encouragement I could speak volumes to his heart and mind. It may have been difficult for me, too, but I saw how much my husband needed me. Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” During those times when your husband feels overwhelmed, you need to see how crucial your support is for your husband.

4. Perspective is Everything
Is seminary a blessing or a curse? Believe me, I have felt both. How you answer that question is a matter of perspective. I learned that in life, and most certainly in seminary, perspective is everything. Seminary is just one of the many difficult challenges I will face with my husband. It took some time, but God eventually taught me that He had a greater purpose for me than just surviving seminary. He did this by changing my perspective. Yes, my husband was distracted, busy, overwhelmed and often away, but he was also being trained up and equipped for the work of ministry. He was preparing to plant and pastor a church. This is a great work that God is doing and I not only have a front row seat but a part in the play! I needed to learn that having a husband in seminary is a joy to take part in, not a burden to bear. David said in Psalm 31:14-15, “But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD, I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hand.” Ask God to teach you that the difference between seeing seminary as a burden or a blessing is often a matter of your perspective. Perspective is everything.

5. Christ Really is All I Need
Even though I knew that Christ was all I needed, I still needed to learn that Christ really was all I needed. What I believed in my head needed to make the difference in my heart. From the time we got married, my husband and I enjoyed doing everything together. Seminary, however, meant being apart and taking on a number of things by myself (planning our son’s first birthday party, attending family functions, running various errands). Through all this, God began to show me that I really can be fully satisfied with Him. I really can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. His grace really is sufficient for whatever He allows. Yes, it took time, but I believe I learned. Paul states emphatically in Philippians 4:19, “And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” You love your husband, too. You miss his attention, and long for the day when he will not be away so much in body and mind, but God may want you to learn something very valuable through all this – that Christ really is all you need.

Forbear and Forgive

by Myra Shealy

Sometimes the irritating things that others do can seem so hard to live with. In a single day we are faced with many quirky, sometimes maddening, often thoughtless, and beyond that intentionally unkind things perpetrated against us by the people God has put in our lives. It is easy to become worn out by these things, and to begin to keep a record of wrongs. And if the conflict comes when I am trying to minister to someone and even sacrifice to help them, then their sins begin to feel as irritating as sand blown into my eyes, or a pebble in my shoe that grows with every step I take.

But as I've meditated on Colossians chapter 3, verse 13 has been especially helpful. It says, "bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, whoever has a complaint against anyone." Here is a clear prescription for dealing with those who sin against us. Christ calls us to forbear and forgive. That means putting up with all those irritations and further, direct acts of unkindness, and forgiving the ones who do those things. That is what true, unconditional love chooses to do.

When my heart needs motivation to do this, I focus on the very next phrase, "just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." For me, nothing shrinks the irritating sins of others down to size like being reminded of my own sins. I stand before the Lord each day as a debtor who owed a debt that was too great to ever be repaid. But because the One I owed is merciful, He Himself paid my debt for me and forgave it all. Keeping my eyes on the cross, and the mercy I received that I didn't deserve, helps me love and give grace to those around me, whether they deserve it or not.

I daily need the change that focusing on the Gospel brings to my own heart. His grace given to me shrinks the boulders in my shoe back down to pebble size.

Reciting the Victories of the Gospel

by Myra Shealy
In the 2003 printing of John Piper's Christian classic, Desiring God, he wrote an updated preface. The entire book is dedicated to his father, William Solomon Hottle Piper, and John Piper addresses him directly in the last paragraph:

"Finally, a word to my father. The dedicatory words I wrote in 1986 are still true seventeen years later. I look back through forty-five years and see mother at the dinner table, laughing so hard that the tears ran down her face. She was a very happy woman. But especially when you came home on Monday. You had been gone two weeks. Or sometimes three or four. She would glow on Monday mornings when you were coming home. At the diner table that night (these were the happiest of times in my memory) we would hear about the victories of the gospel. Surely it is more exciting to be the son of an evangelist than to sit with knights and warriors..."

What a statement! John Piper thought that being the son of an evangelist was more exciting than keeping company with knights and warriors. And why? There was something about his father coming home and reciting the true stories of Jesus conquering hearts with the Gospel, that impacted him as a young boy. His parents obviously got excited about such things. This was something they valued. His dad, as a traveling evangelist, was giving his life to preaching the Gospel, and his mom, characterized as a happy woman, wanted to hear those stories, and rejoice with her husband over what God was doing. Looking back on his childhood, John Piper remembered those times around the dinner table as his happiest memories.

This little scene that John Piper described reminded me of the opportunity that we have as parents to influence our children by our lives of ministry and our attitudes about it. In this case, he was influenced by the example set by his parents of Gospel work, and the natural conversation that flowed out of their delight in what God was doing. How simple! Our children are listening, and they are taking notes on the things that we give our lives to, and get excited about. We must be intentional in telling them about the wonderful things that Christ is doing in our own hearts and in our ministries! We need to also make sure we are strong in our trust and rest in God's great sovereignty when ministry is difficult. Negative, complaining, and despairing talk around our dinner tables also have an impact when little ears are listening. Let our words, actions, and attitudes show that we serve a mighty Savior, who has graciously put us into His service, and it is a privilege for which we are grateful.

How fitting that the little boy around the Piper's dinner table, listening with great interest to the victories of the Gospel, grew up to be a passionate preacher and writer, who has greatly influenced people around the world to treasure Christ above everything else.

I'll be thinking of that when we sit down for our next meal together.

Q & A

What has been the most challenging thing about being a missionary wife on a foreign field, and how has God helped you through that challenge?

by Aimee Alvord

For me, one of the most challenging things about being a missionary wife is the discomfort of feeling like I don’t fit in. All missionaries are not the same, and sometimes people feel as if there's a way of ministry that they have to fit into, and may feel pressure to do things the way others do them. For instance, some missionary wives are also Bible teachers, but that is not my giftedness. I do not usually enjoy studying (although I try to anyway) or teaching (unless it’s spiritual instruction to my kids). I have felt like this for over 20 years, telling myself that it’s ok in the body of Christ to be a hand instead of the brain, but still, the discomfort persists. Thankfully, the Lord gives me little revelations to keep me going. Like the other day I was sitting on the floor putting on my shoes, and it hit me: “I am SUPPOSED to feel inadequate. The Lord wants to be the strength in my weakness. That is the whole point!” Somehow along the way, I must have picked up the idea that when you are doing God’s will, it will feel comfortable. I’m not sure where I got that expectation, since I don’t think most of the heroes in the Bible became giants in the faith by fitting in well in their social circles. I can’t imagine that Jesus felt comfortable most of the time, either.

I think maybe my mistake comes when I confuse “comfort” and “peace”. I know by experience that submitting to the Lord’s will brings a certain peace, which, interestingly, can coexist with discomfort. I think comfort (the right kind) comes through abiding in Him – finding my identity in the Lord instead of in my little role on this earth.

So with the Lord’s help, I’ll continue to try and honor Him through persevering in obedience despite the unease. Maybe that way He’ll get all the credit for whatever good that happens because it’ll be obvious it wasn’t me!

Aimee and her husband Bruce Alvord have been serving the Lord in Ukraine since 1992.

A Gracious Woman Retains Honor

by Tracy Moore

As a young seminary wife I was determined to be the very best pastor’s wife I could be. Certain that my husband would be the very best pastor, I knew I needed to be up to the task! So, I memorized Titus 2 and Proverbs 31 and made lists of things to do with my children, my home, and in my marriage. It felt like a tall order, but was surely the path towards being a good pastor’s wife! Now, 21 years later, I still say that these things are a high priority, but there was a focus toward others missing from my early lists. I did not understand then what a huge need for humility and grace I would encounter over the years. For example, it did not occur to me that people would not only take an interest in how I raised my children, some would actually comment and criticize! From haircuts to home schooling, people have vocalized their opinions about my husband and our seven children. My favorite random criticism (so far) from one random congregant is: “Your husband jingles his keys too much.” We came to realize people naturally look to a ministry family for hope that God’s ways are best and that He is faithful. What a privilege to be a witness for Him! Is this because we achieve perfection in our lives and homes? Obviously not. The privilege, the witness, and the focus are in displaying His grace.

Ken Sande says “Peacemakers are people who breathe grace.” A ministry wife must learn to do this also! “…In lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” (Phil. 2:3) We have a real opportunity to help or hinder our husband’s ministry by our graciousness, or lack of, toward others. Learn to love people as Christ loved people! Some are easier than others, so we study His compassion and His kindness. It is easy to grow in our disdain or fear of people by rehearsing faults and wrongs in our heads or by thinking too highly of ourselves. The hard work is to esteem others as better than ourselves. Look for ways to encourage and bless others and watch your affection for them grow. See Christ’s redeeming work in them and remember His work in you, too. See congregants as your precious church family, who are people we are blessed to walk this life with!

Proverbs 11:16, “A gracious woman retains honor…” It is no fun to be criticized for things like putting your baby in the nursery or not, wearing dresses or pants, where and how you spend your time, and on it goes. The larger issue though, is discipleship ministry and glorifying Christ, and that matters most. Simply overlook offense and take heed where criticism is valid, no matter how awkwardly expressed. The wise ministry wife is confident in the biblical decisions she and her husband have made for their own family preferences, but maintains a humble and teachable heart. If we are easily offended, irritable, and proud we bring shame on the Lord and our husband’s ministry. No one likes a touchy pastor’s wife! Walk circumspectly, be kind and wise in your speech, and believe the best of others. Believe the best about the older lady who tells you how you really ought to parent or cook or spend your time. Ask the Lord for the grace to be truly grateful for her desire to be of help to you with what she has learned in her own life. Genuinely thank her for caring about you enough to share her thoughts, and ask her a question on the subject. Often you will learn something helpful! Then, show a kind interest in her life. This way we help to promote a peaceful, gracious culture in our churches, which is life changing and Christ exalting.

My husband tells me we need to ask God what He has for us in another’s criticisms. He rarely jingles his keys these days and has now served alongside that congregant, a beloved friend, for nearly 20 years!

Tracy is married to Joel Moore, pastor of Crown Valley Community Church in Acton, California.

Random Chaos or Designed Disorder

by Ginny Anthes

Come into my kitchen and look into a drawer of mine that I consider to be “managed chaos.” It means that I have put things in there that don’t fit in the more ordered drawers, yet I know roughly what is there, and precisely where a few of the often used items are. One drawer like that is fine, but when our life begins to spin out of our control and feels cluttered with items that we don’t remember choosing to put in it, there are two truths we must get a good grip on if we are to experience peace in our lives.

Since the opening chapters of Genesis when Adam and Eve sinned and were sent out of the perfectly ordered garden, into a world of chaos, women have been coping with life that just seems “to come at us.” What is it that robs peace from your heart? In ministry, just when we feel we are exerting some control over our home domain…bam! That brings us to the first truth: Our God reigns! “And he does according to his will among the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth.” (Dan. 4:35) Does that mean when you are sitting in Intensive Care with a deathly sick or injured child, that God is ruling and ordering your life at that moment? When peace has descended on your home in the evening and the knock comes at your door, or the phone rings…you know something out of your control has happened. There was a period of time in my life when all the following were happening simultaneously. My father came for a short visit, but ended up with heart surgery, that went awry, making him a total invalid. Half of my house was torn off for a remodel, our church of fifteen years was exerting tremendous pressure on us, all of my children were living at home and with little sleep or energy, I felt that I was going from one crisis to the next, day after day, week after week. The Lord reminded me that I was to welcome these trials as friends, and by his grace, I set my heart to do that. Day after day, he sustained me and gave me joy, and peace, that were not mine.

That brings us to the second truth that we must anchor our souls to: The Spirit Produces Peace. In I Cor. 6:19-20 Paul tells us that our “body is a temple of the Holy Spirit.” In Gal. 5:22 we read that his fruit, among others, is peace. God’s gracious provision for us in Christ is the Holy Spirit who lives in us, reminding us of the truth that Christ is sufficient for all our needs, and it is he who produces peace. When life becomes difficult, fix your mind quickly on the truth that our all wise, sovereign, loving God is directing your path. Turn you heart and mind and spirit towards him with dependence on his Spirit to give you peace. While I never go looking for trouble, when God directs it my way, I realize it is an amazing opportunity to glorify him, demonstrating to the world, that in the midst of the storms of life, Jesus Christ is sufficient. Jesus himself has gone before us, taking each insult, each lash on his back, each nail in the palm, knowing from eternity that it was his Father’s will for him. Let us learn to trust and depend on our gracious Father who loved us enough to design such a life for his beloved Son.

Ginny is married to Paul Anthes, who is pastor of Community Bible Church of Placerville, Ca., and a graduate of The Cornerstone Seminary.

"The Believer's Sweet Pillow"

by Karen Fernandez

Every once in a while, God brings a person into my life that is a bruised reed. I know from experience that, “A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoking flax He will not quench. . .” (Isaiah 42:3), but He will restore and revive. The truth that He is sovereign, completely in control of every facet of my life, brings me great comfort and confidence in the future, knowing that He is working everything out for my good and ultimately, for His glory. I can think of nothing more comforting than laying my heart on the promise and truth that God's sovereign goodness is working behind the scenes of my life---the One who is all-powerful, all-knowing, everywhere, and all-sufficient. Spurgeon calls God's providence “the believer's sweet pillow”.

The writings of C. H. Spurgeon are the most picturesque, vivid imagery that the Christian world has been blessed with. I trust that the quote below will encourage and comfort your hearts:

" Christian! There is no sweeter pillow than providence! And when providence seems adverse, believe it still, and lay it under your head. For depend upon it—there is comfort in its bosom...How sweet is 'providence' to a child of God, when he can reflect upon it. He can look out into this world, and say--”However great my troubles, they are not so great as my Father's power. However difficult may be my circumstances, yet all things around me are working together for good.” He who guides the stars in the well-ordered courses, even when they seem to move in hazy dances—surely he can overrule my trials in such a way that out of confusion he will bring order; and from seeming evil, produce lasting good. He who bridles the storm, and puts the bit in the mouth of the tempest, surely he can restrain my trial, and keep my sorrows in subjection.

I believe that every particle of dust that dances in the sunbeam does not move an atom more or less than God wishes; that every particle of spray that dashes against the steamboat has its orbit as well as the sun in the heavens; that the chaff from the hand of the winnower is steered as surely as the stars in their courses; and the fall of leaves from the tree is as fully ordained as the tumbling avalanche.

He who believes in God must believe this truth. There is no standing point between this and atheism. There is no halfway between an Almighty God, who works all things according to the good pleasure of his will, and no God at all!”

Karen is married to Steve Fernandez, pastor of Community Bible Church for over 30 years, and president of The Cornerstone Seminary in Vallejo, Ca.