Q & A

What has been the most challenging thing about being a missionary wife on a foreign field, and how has God helped you through that challenge?

by Aimee Alvord

For me, one of the most challenging things about being a missionary wife is the discomfort of feeling like I don’t fit in. All missionaries are not the same, and sometimes people feel as if there's a way of ministry that they have to fit into, and may feel pressure to do things the way others do them. For instance, some missionary wives are also Bible teachers, but that is not my giftedness. I do not usually enjoy studying (although I try to anyway) or teaching (unless it’s spiritual instruction to my kids). I have felt like this for over 20 years, telling myself that it’s ok in the body of Christ to be a hand instead of the brain, but still, the discomfort persists. Thankfully, the Lord gives me little revelations to keep me going. Like the other day I was sitting on the floor putting on my shoes, and it hit me: “I am SUPPOSED to feel inadequate. The Lord wants to be the strength in my weakness. That is the whole point!” Somehow along the way, I must have picked up the idea that when you are doing God’s will, it will feel comfortable. I’m not sure where I got that expectation, since I don’t think most of the heroes in the Bible became giants in the faith by fitting in well in their social circles. I can’t imagine that Jesus felt comfortable most of the time, either.

I think maybe my mistake comes when I confuse “comfort” and “peace”. I know by experience that submitting to the Lord’s will brings a certain peace, which, interestingly, can coexist with discomfort. I think comfort (the right kind) comes through abiding in Him – finding my identity in the Lord instead of in my little role on this earth.

So with the Lord’s help, I’ll continue to try and honor Him through persevering in obedience despite the unease. Maybe that way He’ll get all the credit for whatever good that happens because it’ll be obvious it wasn’t me!

Aimee and her husband Bruce Alvord have been serving the Lord in Ukraine since 1992.

A Gracious Woman Retains Honor

by Tracy Moore

As a young seminary wife I was determined to be the very best pastor’s wife I could be. Certain that my husband would be the very best pastor, I knew I needed to be up to the task! So, I memorized Titus 2 and Proverbs 31 and made lists of things to do with my children, my home, and in my marriage. It felt like a tall order, but was surely the path towards being a good pastor’s wife! Now, 21 years later, I still say that these things are a high priority, but there was a focus toward others missing from my early lists. I did not understand then what a huge need for humility and grace I would encounter over the years. For example, it did not occur to me that people would not only take an interest in how I raised my children, some would actually comment and criticize! From haircuts to home schooling, people have vocalized their opinions about my husband and our seven children. My favorite random criticism (so far) from one random congregant is: “Your husband jingles his keys too much.” We came to realize people naturally look to a ministry family for hope that God’s ways are best and that He is faithful. What a privilege to be a witness for Him! Is this because we achieve perfection in our lives and homes? Obviously not. The privilege, the witness, and the focus are in displaying His grace.

Ken Sande says “Peacemakers are people who breathe grace.” A ministry wife must learn to do this also! “…In lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” (Phil. 2:3) We have a real opportunity to help or hinder our husband’s ministry by our graciousness, or lack of, toward others. Learn to love people as Christ loved people! Some are easier than others, so we study His compassion and His kindness. It is easy to grow in our disdain or fear of people by rehearsing faults and wrongs in our heads or by thinking too highly of ourselves. The hard work is to esteem others as better than ourselves. Look for ways to encourage and bless others and watch your affection for them grow. See Christ’s redeeming work in them and remember His work in you, too. See congregants as your precious church family, who are people we are blessed to walk this life with!

Proverbs 11:16, “A gracious woman retains honor…” It is no fun to be criticized for things like putting your baby in the nursery or not, wearing dresses or pants, where and how you spend your time, and on it goes. The larger issue though, is discipleship ministry and glorifying Christ, and that matters most. Simply overlook offense and take heed where criticism is valid, no matter how awkwardly expressed. The wise ministry wife is confident in the biblical decisions she and her husband have made for their own family preferences, but maintains a humble and teachable heart. If we are easily offended, irritable, and proud we bring shame on the Lord and our husband’s ministry. No one likes a touchy pastor’s wife! Walk circumspectly, be kind and wise in your speech, and believe the best of others. Believe the best about the older lady who tells you how you really ought to parent or cook or spend your time. Ask the Lord for the grace to be truly grateful for her desire to be of help to you with what she has learned in her own life. Genuinely thank her for caring about you enough to share her thoughts, and ask her a question on the subject. Often you will learn something helpful! Then, show a kind interest in her life. This way we help to promote a peaceful, gracious culture in our churches, which is life changing and Christ exalting.

My husband tells me we need to ask God what He has for us in another’s criticisms. He rarely jingles his keys these days and has now served alongside that congregant, a beloved friend, for nearly 20 years!

Tracy is married to Joel Moore, pastor of Crown Valley Community Church in Acton, California.

Random Chaos or Designed Disorder

by Ginny Anthes

Come into my kitchen and look into a drawer of mine that I consider to be “managed chaos.” It means that I have put things in there that don’t fit in the more ordered drawers, yet I know roughly what is there, and precisely where a few of the often used items are. One drawer like that is fine, but when our life begins to spin out of our control and feels cluttered with items that we don’t remember choosing to put in it, there are two truths we must get a good grip on if we are to experience peace in our lives.

Since the opening chapters of Genesis when Adam and Eve sinned and were sent out of the perfectly ordered garden, into a world of chaos, women have been coping with life that just seems “to come at us.” What is it that robs peace from your heart? In ministry, just when we feel we are exerting some control over our home domain…bam! That brings us to the first truth: Our God reigns! “And he does according to his will among the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth.” (Dan. 4:35) Does that mean when you are sitting in Intensive Care with a deathly sick or injured child, that God is ruling and ordering your life at that moment? When peace has descended on your home in the evening and the knock comes at your door, or the phone rings…you know something out of your control has happened. There was a period of time in my life when all the following were happening simultaneously. My father came for a short visit, but ended up with heart surgery, that went awry, making him a total invalid. Half of my house was torn off for a remodel, our church of fifteen years was exerting tremendous pressure on us, all of my children were living at home and with little sleep or energy, I felt that I was going from one crisis to the next, day after day, week after week. The Lord reminded me that I was to welcome these trials as friends, and by his grace, I set my heart to do that. Day after day, he sustained me and gave me joy, and peace, that were not mine.

That brings us to the second truth that we must anchor our souls to: The Spirit Produces Peace. In I Cor. 6:19-20 Paul tells us that our “body is a temple of the Holy Spirit.” In Gal. 5:22 we read that his fruit, among others, is peace. God’s gracious provision for us in Christ is the Holy Spirit who lives in us, reminding us of the truth that Christ is sufficient for all our needs, and it is he who produces peace. When life becomes difficult, fix your mind quickly on the truth that our all wise, sovereign, loving God is directing your path. Turn you heart and mind and spirit towards him with dependence on his Spirit to give you peace. While I never go looking for trouble, when God directs it my way, I realize it is an amazing opportunity to glorify him, demonstrating to the world, that in the midst of the storms of life, Jesus Christ is sufficient. Jesus himself has gone before us, taking each insult, each lash on his back, each nail in the palm, knowing from eternity that it was his Father’s will for him. Let us learn to trust and depend on our gracious Father who loved us enough to design such a life for his beloved Son.

Ginny is married to Paul Anthes, who is pastor of Community Bible Church of Placerville, Ca., and a graduate of The Cornerstone Seminary.

"The Believer's Sweet Pillow"

by Karen Fernandez

Every once in a while, God brings a person into my life that is a bruised reed. I know from experience that, “A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoking flax He will not quench. . .” (Isaiah 42:3), but He will restore and revive. The truth that He is sovereign, completely in control of every facet of my life, brings me great comfort and confidence in the future, knowing that He is working everything out for my good and ultimately, for His glory. I can think of nothing more comforting than laying my heart on the promise and truth that God's sovereign goodness is working behind the scenes of my life---the One who is all-powerful, all-knowing, everywhere, and all-sufficient. Spurgeon calls God's providence “the believer's sweet pillow”.

The writings of C. H. Spurgeon are the most picturesque, vivid imagery that the Christian world has been blessed with. I trust that the quote below will encourage and comfort your hearts:

" Christian! There is no sweeter pillow than providence! And when providence seems adverse, believe it still, and lay it under your head. For depend upon it—there is comfort in its bosom...How sweet is 'providence' to a child of God, when he can reflect upon it. He can look out into this world, and say--”However great my troubles, they are not so great as my Father's power. However difficult may be my circumstances, yet all things around me are working together for good.” He who guides the stars in the well-ordered courses, even when they seem to move in hazy dances—surely he can overrule my trials in such a way that out of confusion he will bring order; and from seeming evil, produce lasting good. He who bridles the storm, and puts the bit in the mouth of the tempest, surely he can restrain my trial, and keep my sorrows in subjection.

I believe that every particle of dust that dances in the sunbeam does not move an atom more or less than God wishes; that every particle of spray that dashes against the steamboat has its orbit as well as the sun in the heavens; that the chaff from the hand of the winnower is steered as surely as the stars in their courses; and the fall of leaves from the tree is as fully ordained as the tumbling avalanche.

He who believes in God must believe this truth. There is no standing point between this and atheism. There is no halfway between an Almighty God, who works all things according to the good pleasure of his will, and no God at all!”

Karen is married to Steve Fernandez, pastor of Community Bible Church for over 30 years, and president of The Cornerstone Seminary in Vallejo, Ca.

Helping Those Who are Hurting

by Judy Achilles

Q: I’m fearful that I’ll say or do something wrong in trying to comfort those that experience great loss, (death, cancer, etc.) What should I do or not do when someone is hurting?

A: I learned a long time ago to pray for compassion. It is the character trait of great empathy, deep emotional tenderness to another persons’ suffering, along with a desire to relieve that suffering. Be assured that God will answer your prayer as He did mine. Romans 5:5 already affirms that the “love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” So we pray God will actively be demonstrating His love and compassion through us. It is not so much what we say with words; it is our eagerness to provide immediate help. We bring everything from hugs of affirming love to tissues we have placed in our pocket ready for tears we will share together. We bring listening ears that discern the immediate needs, and kind assurance that we will be there as long as needed.

Our anguish comes when we choose to do nothing.

The attitude of compassion is God’s gift for all—lost neighbors, relatives, and those saved whether family or members of the congregation. Be like the Good Samaritan who ministered to the immediate needs first, and extended his compassion with encouragement and long term support. Sometimes “words” usually fall on ears that do not yet have the ability to clearly listen. So many extreme situations—death, cancer, miscarried babies, too many to list!—become like Israel facing the Red Sea. People become full of anger, disappointment, fear and unbelief. And we can’t change it or “fix it!” I know I can’t “part” the Red Sea. But God can! And I have the privilege of compassionately holding their hands as we walk through their “Red Sea” on dry ground together. In time there will be obvious opportunities to share Scripture for comfort, courage, understanding, and in some cases salvation. But the immediate need is to hold tightly to a shattered heart.

My husband was home with me following my surgery for ovarian cancer, and I was in the midst of chemotherapy. He was really not well himself, and I never wanted to bother him with little things. My “Good Samaritans” from church sensed I needed a little assistance. So a couple of gals sat on my couch and just asked “What do you need?” My toenails and fingernails desperately needed trimming, and I didn’t have the strength to use nail clippers; the few remaining strands of hair on my head were not enough to cover anything, and I yearned for lotion on my back…a place I just couldn’t reach! Following a complete nail job, shaved head, styling of my new wig, and an ample supply of lotion, we had a sweet time of prayer, and I thanked God for their compassion and love so freely given to me.

As the pastor’s wife you will be assisting your husband in extending compassion to many families in your community and church. You may desire to stay more intimately connected if it is a woman who is in need of help and especially one involved in your congregation. You can organize a compassion ministry and have a discussion on what were the most effective demonstrations of compassion that touched their lives when they were in time of great need. It is not the words, but the fact you were there ministering the “little things” on their journey through the “Red Sea”.

-Judy and her husband Bob Achilles shared a life of ministry together in the church before he went home to be with the Lord in 2008. He was a pastor, seminary professor, and made many trips overseas to train men in Russia. She continues to serve the Lord at Grace Church of Napa, enjoys teaching and counseling women, and speaking at women's conferences.

Training Children for the Long Haul

by Myra Shealy

Years ago, when we only had small children, I remember complaining to my husband after a particularly rough day. My entire day had been spent dealing with our children's disobedience and I was worn out and frustrated. He listened patiently, then put his arm around me and congratulated me for spending my day wisely! Then he reminded me that we were in this for the long haul, and to be patient and not give up.

When the Bible says "train" up a child, we need to make sure we realize what train means. It means practicing over and over against resistance until something becomes part of your nature. That is what God is calling us to do with our children. It will not be accomplished in a day, or a month, or a year, but is something you must engage in until your children leave your home and enter the adult world. Now, it is reasonable to long to see some fruit from your labors before they leave, but just keep in mind that it is a long process. I know that many times today, even after many years of being a mom, I still feel overwhelmed and exhausted and discouraged, but now I am enjoying fruit in my older children that the Lord is producing in their lives, and I wouldn't trade that for any less stressful, or more restful, or irritation-free life. It is worth everything we go through!

Also, remember why we do what we do. We are giving our lives away to train and love these children all day long because it is what God commands us to do, not because of the fruit we see in their lives. I've had some moms say that they gave up on training their kids because it didn't work. But the Lord doesn't give us that out. We are to keep on obeying Him and leave the fruit production in His hands. He will grant fruit whenever He deems best, and we have to continue on in faith and trust Him. Work as if it all depends on you, but PRAY for your children, remembering that ultimately it all depends on His work in their hearts. You have every reason to expect fruit, though, because He says that His Word will not return to Him void, but will accomplish His purpose. (Isaiah 55:11) Keep giving your children His Word, and keep striving to obey it yourself. God doesn't usually give a divine zap out of nowhere to change the hearts of people. He uses His Word, and people who bring His Word to needy hearts. He wants to use you.

Let's say you are faithful to this task until your children reach adulthood, and then they openly rebel and reject everything you have tried to impart to them. Was it still the right thing to do? I say absolutely YES! You will have a clear conscience that you tried to obey the Lord, and you will have gained great sanctification along the way. Also your children will have been given the keys to abundant life here and eternal life afterward. Keep pressing on!

Q and A

Q: With the instant availability of internet pornography, and countless stories of pastors who fall into sexual sin, what can we wives do to help our husbands remain pure and stand against sexual temptation?


A: Helping your husband starts with prayer. First, pray that his heart would be so captivated by the gracious love and mercy that the Savior has shown him, and His worthiness to be worshiped and treasured above all things, that he would have his eyes and heart full of Christ and live satisfied in Him. Second, pray that your husband would have the wisdom and discernment to be able to see sin for what it is: deceitful and deadly. Sin promises pleasure, but what it delivers is momentary, fleeting, empty, and destructive. Ask God to give him a sober mind to be on the alert against the enemy, who loves to take men out of useful ministry. Also ask God to keep teaching him to rely moment by moment on the power of the Holy Spirit to say "no" to sexual temptation, and "yes" to a life of purity and contentment in Christ alone.


Helping your husband also means working hard to be the wife he longs to come home to. The days get so busy, and it would be easy to neglect your marriage because of the onslaught of all the urgent and necessary things that happen in a day. But it is important to cultivate a loving relationship. Admire him, speak words of praise for his good qualities, and encourage him. Be effusive in expressing your love for him, not only through your words, but with your body language and physical affection. Let him find in your arms a welcoming comfort from the troubles of this world, and the difficulties of ministry. Also, take time to keep yourself attractive for your husband, even giving consideration to his preferences about such things as your clothing and hair. Work hard to make your body strong, healthy, and fit.


It is also important to think Biblically about the sexual relationship as God designed it. If you are married, you are living in the one scenario in which God not only intended sex to be enjoyed, but also commands that it not be neglected, as it is His gift for your intimate joy together. God wants your body to be a gift that you willingly present to your husband. To deprive him of this puts him in a position to be tempted. (1 Cor. 7:5) Do you think about physical intimacy with your husband in this way? Desire your husband and let him know it. Plan times to be alone together. Save some energy for him at the end of the day. Resolve conflicts quickly and don't take them into your bedroom, or punish him by withholding affection when there has been a disagreement.


One pastor who fell to sexual sin said that his wife at home was always critical, complaining, and unhappy, but the woman he counseled (and with whom he fell into sin) was attractive, encouraging, kind, and intentional in her appreciation of him. While that man is completely accountable to God for his own sin, his wife also bears a responsibility for the way she treated him. Don't neglect the power you hold to make a refuge of love at home for your husband.


One other way to help your husband be protected from sexual temptation on the internet is to suggest practical resources. Click the links below to find free software to block objectionable sites on your computer, and to provide accountability.


X3watch (free)


K9 Web Protection (free)


-Myra Shealy