by Tracy Moore
As a young seminary wife I was determined to be the very best pastor’s wife I could be. Certain that my husband would be the very best pastor, I knew I needed to be up to the task! So, I memorized Titus 2 and Proverbs 31 and made lists of things to do with my children, my home, and in my marriage. It felt like a tall order, but was surely the path towards being a good pastor’s wife! Now, 21 years later, I still say that these things are a high priority, but there was a focus toward others missing from my early lists. I did not understand then what a huge need for humility and grace I would encounter over the years. For example, it did not occur to me that people would not only take an interest in how I raised my children, some would actually comment and criticize! From haircuts to home schooling, people have vocalized their opinions about my husband and our seven children. My favorite random criticism (so far) from one random congregant is: “Your husband jingles his keys too much.” We came to realize people naturally look to a ministry family for hope that God’s ways are best and that He is faithful. What a privilege to be a witness for Him! Is this because we achieve perfection in our lives and homes? Obviously not. The privilege, the witness, and the focus are in displaying His grace.
Ken Sande says “Peacemakers are people who breathe grace.” A ministry wife must learn to do this also! “…In lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” (Phil. 2:3) We have a real opportunity to help or hinder our husband’s ministry by our graciousness, or lack of, toward others. Learn to love people as Christ loved people! Some are easier than others, so we study His compassion and His kindness. It is easy to grow in our disdain or fear of people by rehearsing faults and wrongs in our heads or by thinking too highly of ourselves. The hard work is to esteem others as better than ourselves. Look for ways to encourage and bless others and watch your affection for them grow. See Christ’s redeeming work in them and remember His work in you, too. See congregants as your precious church family, who are people we are blessed to walk this life with!
Proverbs 11:16, “A gracious woman retains honor…” It is no fun to be criticized for things like putting your baby in the nursery or not, wearing dresses or pants, where and how you spend your time, and on it goes. The larger issue though, is discipleship ministry and glorifying Christ, and that matters most. Simply overlook offense and take heed where criticism is valid, no matter how awkwardly expressed. The wise ministry wife is confident in the biblical decisions she and her husband have made for their own family preferences, but maintains a humble and teachable heart. If we are easily offended, irritable, and proud we bring shame on the Lord and our husband’s ministry. No one likes a touchy pastor’s wife! Walk circumspectly, be kind and wise in your speech, and believe the best of others. Believe the best about the older lady who tells you how you really ought to parent or cook or spend your time. Ask the Lord for the grace to be truly grateful for her desire to be of help to you with what she has learned in her own life. Genuinely thank her for caring about you enough to share her thoughts, and ask her a question on the subject. Often you will learn something helpful! Then, show a kind interest in her life. This way we help to promote a peaceful, gracious culture in our churches, which is life changing and Christ exalting.
My husband tells me we need to ask God what He has for us in another’s criticisms. He rarely jingles his keys these days and has now served alongside that congregant, a beloved friend, for nearly 20 years!
Tracy is married to Joel Moore, pastor of Crown Valley Community Church in Acton, California.
